To My 50 Year Old Self (Experiment 15)

April 3rd, 1998 - The day you were born. The catalyst moment to every single moment yet to come. The start to what has and will become of you.

3 years old - Your parents get divorced. Honestly, something that was a better decision than the actual marriage. This is the beginning of a decade of back and forth, therapy, fighting, and court cases.

6 years old - Moved to California. Where most of your life takes place thus far.

13 years old - You stopped seeing your dad and your baby sister was born. These events brought on a diagnoses in depression and anxiety, inspired you to start writing, as well as go to CSL. There is not a day that goes by that you don't think about your sister, and you don't understand how you can miss something you never had. Your experiences this year shaped you more than anything has before.

16 years old - You are in high school and very much hate thinking about the future. There is this scary feeling you have that you are going to die young. Every birthday that comes by you are secretly very surprised you are still alive.

19 years old - Now.

May 1st, 2017

Dear Kayden,

As you write this letter you are 19 years old. Thinking about growing and experiencing life to the point you are as you read this, has always been a dream you were scared to dream. At nineteen you are so afraid of failing and not obtaining the things you desperately want, that you fail by not living because your fear of failure has turned to fear of succeeding.

You want to be a writer. I hope as you read this, you have books with your name on the bookshelves in your home. To date you have been published four times. Nothing large, but you are inspired and working towards writing every single day. You are determined to expand your writing and dedicated to preparing yourself to succeed.

I hope you were able to become a mother. At this point in time, besides writing, you truly believe that this is what you were made to do. You are so caring (sometimes too caring), understanding, honest, and accepting. While this does get you hurt and in trouble sometimes, it is something your 19 year old self hopes you never lose. Hufflepuff your life. You better be exposing those kids I hope you have to the magic of Harry Potter. Your younger self would be very disappointed in you if you aren't.

Writing to yourself in the future is a very weird experience. I can't give you advice, or tell you experiences you haven't lived through. Crafting a letter to your younger self would be much easier. Maybe you could write a response to this one. Nineteen year old Kayden is very confused and some words from the successful and motherly adult version of her could be very helpful. Even though of course I can't read it at this age, but I am curious what you learn and who you became.

Tell your kid(s) that their mother loves them. You've always wanted them. Keep writing or start writing again and don't stop being creative.

I love you. Keep loving yourself.

- Kayden (Echo) Delaney